So much has happened during that amount of time.
I haven’t journaled, save for once when taking off on the plane from Newark, New Jersey to Israel. It’s just so difficult being perfect when journaling; I feel like I barely ever achieve what I want with my writing. Needless to say, I was very unsatisfied with my first journal entry on the plane and since then I never looked back. I am trying not to beat myself up though, I’ve still got another week and a half in Israel. I may have not documented as much during the first ten days, but I can document the memories I am making now. If I quit regretting the past, I can still live in the moment…It’s never too late.
This is a picture I took on July 22nd, while exploring the city of Tsfat. Tsfat is a city of classic antiquity in the northern district of Israel, which has been around since the twelfth century. I was fascinated by the architecture, the buildings and streets made of stone, and the craftsmanship of several local artists who inhabit the city.
Ironically, my favorite part about Tsfat was the Yemenite stove-top bread with cheese, tomatoes, and spices.
Four days before my visit to Tsfat I broke my strictly vegetarian diet, as I knew that my only reason for not eating meat was due to it being a “fear food.” I was in the market in Jerusalem and wanted to try the Kube, which is an Iraqi dish that is similar to a dumpling filled with ground beef cooked in a tomato-based broth. I grew up eating Kube, and feeling connected to a part of myself that was bigger and more important than ED, I decided to peacefully have it for lunch. I didn’t engage in a dialogue with the Voice in my head, who usually likes to tell me that I’m not in control. I was in the moment, participating in laughter and conversation with my peers. I am not sure if this was a milestone or not, but my goal isn’t to keep track.
As with many other middle eastern cultures, food is a significant aspect of daily living when growing up in an Israeli family with a mainly Sephardic background. My post so far sounds rather positive, containing several milestones, but I would like to be honest with myself as well and confess that I have been feeling overwhelmed and have experienced more than just a few setbacks and ED-related behaviors. Being around my family in Israel has entailed several activities planned and centered around meal times, and I am just not ready to include food as a recreational part of my day-to-day life.
I try not to think about comments I have received from others related to how thin I look, because any type of reaction related to my appearance, whether positive or negative, has been incredibly triggering. Dealing with what my friends and family have had to say about my weight has been almost as difficult as coping with my Voice.
On rare occasions I have seen myself in group pictures taken by my peers I have traveled with throughout my initial ten days. Looking a those photos has been shocking, almost like having an out-of-body experience. I have a brief (and rare) moment of thinking “am I really that thin?”
I just wish I could see.